I think my vagina is haunted
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
