You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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