Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
