1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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