Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
