My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
