new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we made out on top of his cat.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
