i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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