Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
