brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
