we have officially lost it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
