I am puke
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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