you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
