Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
