I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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