just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
