Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
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The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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