Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
