I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
