I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
