i already hear my dad disowning me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
