I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
