I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
