our cab driver is having phone sex.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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