Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
