Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
