how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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