how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
