Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
