it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
