u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
