It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
