Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
