I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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