Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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