Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
