does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
