Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
