phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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