hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
