this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
