Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
