I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
