for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
