i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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