yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
