so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
