Don't make out with my wife yet
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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