im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
