just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
