i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
