It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
