she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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