Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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