Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
