I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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