Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
