I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
