im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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