I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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